REcovery from deep undercover

In my "civil life", if I could talk about anything like that (for a long time until the most of the members of the system intelligence did not know who am I, it worked as kind of "civil" life), I had to fit in the environment and the main stream of personal characters around me at the location. So I had to build up some kind of natural and also planned cover what by the end was a mixture of artificially planned and determined by the surroundings.

Is there any chance of recovery in this case? Who knows? Life is a continuum and as so I have to deal with what comes up, what is here and now and what to be prepared. I have to respect my boundaries and needs to be at "home". This home feels like the center of my being both physically and emotionally. Spent my whole life undercover jumping in and out of different personality profiles, having hundreds of memory losses by military grade hypnosis and by laser technology to burn out some very important memory neuron-chains to have them never return - this job is basically not easy to decide what is "me" and what is a built up something, fake and not me. To have some good ideas to decide over things coming up into my consciousness (first marker: what is coming up into my consciousness - related string or command: deal with it; when to do it there is a second marker) is crucial in recovery job. And here I already given to you a definition of recovery, my definition of recovery: the process when I select the profile peaces which does not belong to "me" or I do not want them to fit in "it" because the actual peace is harmful and wrong.

You see now I already turned toward addiction and harmful behavior. I want to be a whole person and to be that way being harmful to the outside or on the inside is proven to be not the way of living for me. It falls under the peril of death and destruction. You and me all have the right to chose what personality parts or layers to keep if we want it and what not. We, I mean those of you and me who spent very long times under cover, living a life of someone else in circumstances what we naturally would avoid to get into mostly or never would get there, so we have a higher level of self consciousness then the average (some much above average) and we have more possibilities to chose from. Of course life does not have the kind of floating sense as personal timeline for us. We are forced to have a higher vigilance, a more precise remembrance of separated personalities because our life depended on it. This kind of thrill in "spy" or "undercover" work is very addictive and I mean it in the real meaning of addiction: accelerated worsening of side effects, to death.

Recovery is a big job, especially from the deepness hell where I had to get down - so one day at a time, and one thing at a time, or at least I had to leave room for undone, untreated things to leave them for the time being. My store room is a portico.

Nowadays I concentrated on breathtaking. I had to develop a shallow breathtaking pattern to cover the fact that I am physically well trained, and this had to fit with the age and class specific patters. Low levels of physical activities, lots of sitting at school in the mornings; some outdoor play and TV at night. But in fact I trained a lot in secret even at night times. Regarding to breath pattern, I developed a shallow pattern which depended on strong self control. I had to stick the inhale and exhale rhythm to something so I stuck it to the steps. I am talking about mostly running. Yes now I am talking about running. Free running. If you realized and did your homework you know that I founded and spread the phenomena worldewide what many people call parkour or free-running. To recover from this self forces on myself fake shallow breath pattern I have to build up a de-patterning process.

It is built up from the basic military training exercises to learn running. The difference is that a normal person breathing naturally and unconscious about it. I am to conscious and over-controlling. This part is the hardest part. Physical body memory can be built up by repetition. But such thing like respiration, cannot be changed so easily, but it can be done the same way by repetition, more concentration, visualization, verbal self-hypnosis.

So it looks like: worming up jogging as it goes - jogging some running from arm - running from arm with rhythm changes to have the in-exhale pattern to slip - turning your hip with arm moves (extended steps from hip, hip turning also helps in exhale process to become independent) bunny hops, sprints, straches (!) and slowly it happens. I hope so at least. I went through this process so many times but never after so deep and extensive memory erasing by laser technology. Sounds simple...:-) Lots of work. And the actual circumstances are not really supportive, rather hostile and malignant. Mainly the job for me now is de-patterning or reprogramming the too much control over respiration. And of course I have to become more fit too. So running is a spiritual activity. Respiration is very important in consciousness and tuning up your brain also.
Ahh I nearly forgot: This all has to be done a certain way to not get into the mindset of the killer "who has to survive anyway and has to be the best". This is the most important part for me. For those still fighting and in the first lines - this part can be lethal.
Ohh and by the way, time is running out: tik-tak, tik-tak, tik-tak...